What have I done, what do I do?

I don’t even know where to begin. I guess with the current situation….. I’m getting a divorce, I’m going to be a single mom of an almost 3 year old and a 9 month old. Up until a few hours ago I knew it was a possibility. We’ve been having marriage problems, but I thought we had a chance and could fix things with seeing a counselor, getting professional help. Up until a few hours ago I had my suspicions but I let love cloud my judgement. I knew I wasn’t giving him what he needed so I should have known he would seek it elsewhere. We were on a 2 week “separation” with the agreement to not have outside emotional or physical relationships while he decided if he wanted to give up on us or try and fix our relationship. Little did I know he’s been having an emotional relationship with someone he met in an online game. Someone who he told a friend is like a drug to him, he craves those conversations and FaceTime chats. I shouldn’t be surprised I found that message but it still hurts incredibly deeply. What hurts even more is for some stupid reason I still feel like I love him. Why does part of me want to still fix us? Why do I still want us to be a family? Don’t get me wrong I’m planning on divorce with a fight for full custody. I won’t deny our kids knowing their father, but I want it to be on my terms. How can I trust that a man who can’t have self control, be honest, loyal, faithful, and respect his own wife can have my kids best interest at heart. He couldn’t even tell me he would quit talking to her until he could fix himself. If he truly wanted to fix himself and see a counselor wouldn’t step one be to end your affair and start to become an honest person? To show you do want to get help, by taking that first step to show you honestly do want to work on yourself.

My kids deserve to be cared for and fought for when it comes to everything. Looking back I wonder if I’ve been the one making all the phone calls trying to get my son into the eye specialist that is so good he’s booked out for months. Am I the only one fighting for him because my husband has been to preoccupied chasing an emotional relationship outside of his marriage? I understand with his work schedule, he works 4 days a week, 10 hour days, he can’t make phone calls at work. But he gets an hour lunch each day and has 2 week days he’s off that he can make phone calls. If he truly had their best interests at heart wouldn’t he take those times to do anything for them to get the best care. An hour lunch break is more than enough time to eat and make phone calls. I know because I’ve been doing it, I’ve been making those calls checking for a cancellation, getting records faxed here, records faxed there, calling and begging them to understand the records might not show an issue but I’m his mother and I can tell something is going on. Where is my husband in this battle? Where is their father?

I’m so upset, hurt, angry, betrayed.How do I begin to mend?

2 thoughts on “What have I done, what do I do?

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